To read That Talky Laughy Random Fing from the beginning, click here.
To read the last episode, click here.
THE STORY SO FAR: Howard Richy falls in love with the… Erm… fit Linda Maizen. James Mattinson has a throat condition, possibly caused by moaning too much, but… Linda turns out to be a cow and she storms out. James lets slip about Friday’s upcoming court case with Lee Martin and she also storms out, so James kindly takes her to the chip shop. The ever so brilliant Adam Witz is on his way home, which is vital to Friday’s plan…
That’s Today is a lunchtime TV show run on the same channel as That Talky Laughy Random Fing. It discusses topics of the day, the newspapers and invites celebraties on to talk about their latest work.
James was invited on, mainly because there was no one else. His slot was prime time, right after the woman who’s boobs wouldn’t stop growing and righ before the viewer competition winner was announced.
LILAC: And now we go to our celebrity guest, it’s Mr James Mattinson!
DOMINIC: Good afternoon, James.
LILAC: Do legends like yourself normally say hello?
DOMINIC: Ignore her. She’s a bit star struck.
LILAC: Too right. You’re absolutly amazing, although Dom don’t think so.
DOMINIC: I mean, you do everything, don’t you? Music, film, TV. That’s a bit arragent, ain’t it?
LILAC: And real life drama too!
DOMINIC: Yeah, you could have done it a bit more tastefully than letting Howard Richy announce it on TV.
LILAC: You made a lot of young girls sad last night, James.
DOMINIC: At least this one anyway.
LILAC: Cathy Soccorso is one lucky girl. Well, I suppose it’s Cathy Mattinson now, isn’t it?
DOMINIC: I dunno. I think I’d take Soccorso if I were you, mate. I would want to be in your shoes. For any viewers who don’t know, Cathy is the daughter of Freddy Soccorso, that gangster bloke.
LILAC: Ex, Dom, remember. We don’t want any trouble with Mr Soccorso.
DOMINIC: Well, he’s Mr Soccorso now.
DOMINIC: James. And, no offence, mate, but you don’t scare me.
LILAC: Didn’t she take your name?
JAMES: I’m sorry. What, exactly, are you talking about?
LILAC: Well, you and Cathy! Howard announced that you were married on the show last night.
DOMINIC: You did a good job keeping that one quiet, didn’t you? Although, I suppose Freddy Soccorso helped, didn’t he? I mean, he don’t want any paparatzi, does he?
LILAC: That must have been scary, James. When exactly did you find out Freddy Soccorso was her dad.
DOMINIC: Scary? Poor man looks like he’s still mortified. Guessing you had all the usual threats, then?
LILAC: Worse. I’m guessing there’s no chance of an affair then?
DOMINIC: Are you ok?
JAMES: I’m… I’m fine.
DOMINIC: So, is there any chance of a family in the future?
JAMES: Not right away.
LILAC: But if you did, would little Friday be a god parent?
JAMES: Well, it would be a possibility.
LILAC: And Adam?
JAMES: No, not Adam.
DOMINIC: How is Friday!
JAMES: She’s amazing. She’s doing… She’s doing great.
LILAC: Is it true you have a new movie coming out?
JAMES: That’s kind of true. It’s Friday’s new project. I think she said it was an experiment. She never told us the findings of it, though. Some bits were scripted, but sometimes there was sn image or an object to centre the scene around.
DOMINIC: So who’s in it?
JAMES: Well, there’s me, and Friday forced Adam into it, too. And then there’s some people who have aready worked with Friday like Robert Cings and Soapy Summers.
LILAC: Well, there you go. A glimpse into the future.
DOMINIC: Ok, we’re going to announce the winner of this month’s competition for, wait for it, fifty thousand pounds!
LILAC: Would you mind drawing the name, James?
JAMES: I suppose I must… ok, here we go. Oh God, I’m not gonna be able to pronounce this now. Ok, it’s Will – I’m so sorry – Carra… Corra… Kayrronico from London. Will Kayrronico from London
“James!” Friday hissed from behind the cameras as soon as they cut to adverts, “James, guess what!”
“Howard told the world about Cathy last night!” James cried, scurrying over, “I think I’m gonna be sick.”
Friday stared at James, unable to speak. He was a dead man walking, and there was nothing he could do about it.
“Ok, ok,” Friday said eventually, “I’m going to phone Cathy, ok? You just stay hete. I’m going to sort it, ok, James?”
James managed to nod, coughed a few times, then sat down.
“Howard’s got a lot of answering to do,” Friday mumbled, “I’m just hoping he hasn’t said anything else.”