Letters to Davey — One —

Dear Davey,

Call me niave or stupid, but I do trust you. If I didn’t then I wouldn’t bother writing to you. And, if I didn’t trust you, then I wouldn’t try so hard to get you to trust me. I don’t know how to make you trust me. I make up lies for fun. If I were you, I wouldn’t trust me. If I tell you more about me, will that help?
I’m twelve years old and I like reading and writing. I like making music, too. I’m in a band called Drumestra. We play steel pan and different types of drums from Brazil. It’s really fun. I can’t remember the name. Something beginning with S. I want to know about crime because it’s cool, isn’t?
Looking after friends is important. I don’t have many, just one really good one. We stick together because, without each other, we’d be alone.
I don’t know why you hate yourself. Killing people is really bad but you could have done something worse. It was a quick death, wasn’t it? It wasn’t as if you tourtured them for hours and anyway, ignoring the problem is worse than trying to solve it, even if you get it wrong.
You said you can’t risk going to prison. I’m not tryinv to make you feel bad or anything but surely the Feu was as big a risk as you can get. Why did you do it? Why not just speak to them?

Yours sincerly

Bethonie Waring.


That Talky Laughy Random Fing Episode 4

To read That Talky Laughy Random Fing from the beginning, click here.

To read the last episode, click here.

THE STORY SO FAR: Howard Richy falls in love with the… Erm… fit Linda Maizen. James Mattinson has a throat condition, possibly caused by moaning too much, but… Linda turns out to be a cow and she storms out.

LEFTY: Linda had to, erm, go, which gives us more time to interview our next guest, Steven Maxon.
JAMES: That’s if I don’t die before he gets out.
HOWARD: Wouldn’t that be shame. I’m going to disappear, because Steven, you’re a clever man, right?
HOWARD: See, that just bores me.
JAMES: Don’t worry, we’re probably better off without him.
LEFTY: Steven, it’s absolutly amazing to have you on the show. I am a huge fan.
STEVEN: Thanks, I’m quite a big fan of you too.
LEFTY: You’re a genius. When did you realise you were a genius?
STEVEN: Well, it started off at school. Most kids had football or music or something. I had my little chemestry set. I was fasinated by how things worked. It was brilliant.
JAMES: So you never had music as a kid?
STEVEN: Well yeah, I had music, but it probably wasn’t the same thing you were listening too.
LEFTY: I dunno. James listened to some weird stuff.
STEVEN: I’ve heard what James listened to and it was nothing like that.
LEFTY: How did we start talking about music? Was science always what you wanted to do?
STEVEN: Yeah… well… yeah. I never thought I’d do science on TV or anything. I thought I’d be in a lab for months, staring at some dirt in a test tube, but I made my way onto TV.
LEFTY: So, how did that actually happen? I know less about this than I do about how to get a music contract. Please explain it to me.
STEVEN: I was doing research for a documentary on bacteria. It was a channel six thing and, I must admit, it wasn’t the most exciting thing in the world. The presenter was a pompus little git.
JAMES: He wouldn’t happen to be related to Linda Maizen, would he?
STEVEN: Well, me and my fellow researchers were, ok we were taking the mickey out of him at the time and the producers saw and…
LEFTY: They just hired you on the spot?
STEVEN: Yeah, well, no one liked this git anyway.
JAMES: I’m sorry, I’m just so intreged by your accent. Where are you from?
STEVEN: Well, I was born in Dumfries, where your friend Adam’s from.
JAMES: No wonder you never listen to good music. Adam can’t make good music either.
STEVEN: But then I moved down to London, so I suppose there’s cockney mixed in there too.
JAMES: It’s weird.
LEFTY: Ok, after the break, we’ll be talking some more with the genius that is Steven Maxom and discovering where exactly Howard Richard has gone to. See you in a minuet.

The claxon sounds just as Howard darts down the stairs.
“You’ll never guess who Steven replaced!” he cries, jumping over the last step, “Lee Martin.”
“Lee Martin,” James says thoughtfully, “Oh…”
James, Lefty and Howard all glance at each other, knowing they can’t talk about Lee. Before the situation becomes awkward, though, Madison bounced on stage, pulling James by the shoulder.
“You know Friday isn’t your personal slave,” she says, “Is that stupid water really this important?”
“Well, yeah,” James admits, “Could you tell her the third bottel’s in my bag if that’s what she’s looking for?”
“She’s not very impressed with you,” Madison says “What does she mean when she says she’s got too much on her plate.”
James glances nervously around, then sighs. For some reason, he knows Madison won’t fall for any of his well thought out lies.
“Ok, you know this Lee Martin bloke?” he says, “The one on the radio? Well, he’s trying to sue Friday. Apparently she stole one of his characters. It’s not true, of course, but he’s threatening to take it to the courts.”
“Oh, I never knew,” Madison whispers, “The poor little thing.”
“Well, she doesn’t want anyone to know so…” James says.
“James, your water,” Friday says, “Now don’t die.”
Before Friday can do anything else, Madison crushes her in a hug, trying to comfert the teenager by telling her that it’s going to be ok. Friday works it out immediatly. She pushes Madison away and glares at Howard.
“Was it you?” she snaps.
“Look how she thinks it’s me!” Howard cries, “Well, it wasn’t! It was James.”
She turns on James and he shrinks away. She opens her mouth to speak, but can’t put her anger into words, so storms out. Howard and Lefty watch her go. James shrugs and goes after her.
“What was that about?” Steven asks.

Letters from Davey — One —


Trust is always an issue I have. You must try to understand. Being a teenager, you’ve probably had all the warnings about trusting people you’ve met online and everything, incase they’re some perverted old man who wants to use you. I know I can never just expect you to trust me. I don’t expect you to and I wouldn’t be suprised if you never did. Trust works both ways though. How do I know I can trust you? What I did was awful and I feel the guilt every second of my life. All I want to do is hand myself in, and I know I should have done that a long time ago, but I have other responsibilities now. I have people I need to look after and keep safe. I don’t expect you to understand it. You didn’t see him, my friend. You didn’t see what a state he got himself into when I wasn’t there. The point is, he relies on me, so I can’t just hand myself in. If I go to prison, I don’t know what he’ll do. It’s awful and I know I should but I don’t trust you. I can’t. I don’t know you. You could be anyome. I can’t risk going to prison, not now. When he’s settled and safe and ok, I’ll hand myself in. It’s not that I like being free. I don’t. It rips me apart every morning, every day and every night. I’m not even free, not really.

Yours sincerly,
Davey Hertz

That Talky Laughy Random Fing Episode 3

To read That Talky Laughy Random Fing from the beginning, click here.

To read the last episode, click here.

THE STORY SO FAR: Howard Richy falls in love with the… Erm… fit Linda Maizen. James Mattinson has a throat condition, possibly caused by moaning too much, but… The talky laughy random fing hosts interview Linda and she turns out to be a… Well, a cow.

And we’re back in five… four… three… two… one…

HOWARD: And welcome back to the Talky Laughy Random Fing.
LEFTY: And we’re here with Linda Maizen!
JAMES: Who stole my water.
LINDA: Aw, James, you’re so adorable.
HOWARD: What are you on about, James?
JAMES: She stole my water.
LINDA: Oh, James, don’t be silly.
HOWARD: You stole his water? Wow! You’re in some deep trouble now.
JAMES: Too right! I have a serious throat condition and-
LEFTY: Lets take a look at one of Linda’s latest songs, shall we. Run the clip.

“What on earth are you lot playing at?” Lefty hisses, “We are live on air, and you pair are arguing with our guest about water?”
“It’s not just the water. It’s the principle of it.” James says, “Look, Linda, I was doing you a favour with this merge thing. Now, slagging off Friday is bad, but stealing a man’s water? I could die!”
“Wait, what’s this about Friday?” Lefty asks.
“She’s just a kid,” Linda says, “I don’t know what the big deal is.”
“The big deal is that ‘kid’ is more of a success in her short fifteen years than you ever will be,” Lefty says.
“She’s an ove advertised freak.” Linda says.
“Look, Linda, love,” Howard says, “I love you, baby, really, but I’m afraid if we can’t work this whole Friday thing out then we can’t be togther.”
“Oh, is that right?” Linda laughs.
Friday hurries down the stairs with James’ bottle of water. Before he can drink it, Linda snatches the bottle from him. Sh splashes it in Howard’s face, then pours the rest onto the floor, before marching off. Friday stares, unable to think of something to say. Madison hops on stage.
“What was all that about?” she asks.
“Whoever finds the guests for this show, I want them fired.” James says darkly. Madison laughs but, James is serious. “She’s an evil cow that woman.”
“We had another bad one last week, too.” Lefty adds.
“I’ll see what we can do,” Madison says, “In the mean time, can we try and keep this professional. This is a show, not a pub.”
“Yeah, you shouldn’t have brought it up, James.” Friday says coldly, “I’ve already got enough on my plate without some jumped up spoilt brat trying to ruin the show.”

LEFTY: Wow, that was… that was…
HOWARD: Something.
LEFTY: Yeah, that was something. James, what song was that?
JAMES: “Too bad for words”? Or “My voice is awful”? Niether one is very good.

Inside the mind of a seven year old mute french kid about meanies

VOICE ONE – This isn’t a good place.
VOICE TWO – No. Why did you come here?
VOICE ONE – Because Daddy was being a meanie.
DAVEY – No! Daddy wasn’t being meanie. It was the others. They made him meanie.
VOICE ONE – Yes, of course.
VOICE TWO – So who’s making Mr George meanie?
VOICE ONE – He is.
DAVEY – He’s not meanie. He gives me food and clothes and isn’t going to make me stand in the rain again.
VOICE TWO – Yeah, but he makes you do bad things, Davey.
VOICE ONE – He makes you steal money, Davey.
VOICE TWO – If the police find out, thet’ll put you in prison.
VOICE ONE – Forever.
DAVEY – I know. But I have to. It’s not meanie. It’s just like a job.
VOICE ONE – He’s going to make you play with that boy.
DAVEY – I know.
VOICE TWO – I wonder what the boy likes to play.
VOICE ONE – He probably likes to bury people alive and has loads of tattoos and runs people over on motorbikes.
VOICE TWO – He probably gives himself tattoos and chops of people’s fingers and then eats them.
VOICE ONE – He stabbed a boy, you know?
DAVEY – I know.
VOICE ONE – Do you think he’ll stab you?
DAVEY – Maybe.
VOICE TWO – Mr George is going to make you play with him. See, he’s meanie.
DAVEY – Ok, maybe he is a little bit meanie. But he isn’t as meanie as some of the people at home. And he’s not as meanie as the boulder and the skelinton. And he’s not as meanie as the meanie polly-ticking people.
VOICE ONE – Like Daddy?
VOICE TWO – Yeah, he’s a polly-ticking person.
DAVEY – Yeah, but-
VOICE ONE – And he’s a meanie.
DAVEY – He’s not meanie!
VOICE TWO – Then why did you run away?
VOICE ONE – Come on then!
DAVEY – I came to Enkerland to show the people how bad their meanie polly-ticking people are.
VOICE TWO – Carry on then.
DAVEY – And then Daddy will be happy and he’ll love me.
VOICE ONE – So you did run away because of Daddy.
DAVEY – Not because he’s a meanie.
VOICE TWO – Go on then, Davey. How are you going to show the people how bad their meanie polly-ticking people are when that boy with home made tattoos and motorbikes buries you and chops of your fingers and eats them and then stabs you?
DAVEY – I don’t know.

I want to hear…

Ok, this is something new. I’m not sure if this is going to work and there’s only one person who can decide if this little experiment will be a success or not.
Here’s the idea then. I keep going on about listening and listening to Davey, but how can I expect you to do that when we all have our own thoughts which nobody listens to? We live in a world where the people on the street wear earplugs to save themselves from hearing.
What I’m trying to say is, I think, that there is a mute in all of us. We all have something we want,no, need to say, but we’re too scared or we’re too quiet or we just can’t tell anyone. People don’t listen.
So, this is what I want… No, need you magical people of the internet to do. Send me your MFK thoughts. All those things that you can’t share… Tell everyone; your mum, your dad, your kids, your kids, your friends, anyone, everyone, not no one. Send them in! Email me at bethonie@live.co.uk . Tweet:@bethonie
You peopleare brilliant…
I’m here to listen. It’s what I do.