Category Archives: Talky Laughy Random Fing

That Talky Laughy Random Fing Episode 8

To read That Talky Laughy Random Fing from the beginning, click here.

To read the last episode, click here.

THE STORY SO FAR: Howard Richy falls in love with the… Erm… fit Linda Maizen. James Mattinson has a throat condition, possibly caused by moaning too much, but… Linda turns out to be a cow and she storms out. James lets slip about Friday’s upcoming court case with Lee Martin. The ever so brilliant Adam Witz is on his way home, which is vital to Friday’s plan. Howard let’s slip about James’ marriage to Cathy Soccorso.

     Hi, Cathy. It’s Friday.
               Friday? Erm… I’m not actually supposed to be talking to you.
     Yeah, but you are.
               Friday… look…
     Cathy, I’m guessing your dad heard about James then.
               Heard? Friday, that guy annpunced it on live television. It’s all over the news.
     Yeah, that wasn’t James’ fault. A lots going on at the moment. And Howard’s a nightmare as it is.
               How did he even find out?
     I dunno. Howard has his ways. Cathy is your dad there?
               Friday, I don’t think…
     Oh, come on Cathy. I can’t make it any worse.
               Well, you can.
     Please, Cathy. I promise I will do my amazing bestest to be amazing.
               Fine, Friday but be carefull…
     I will

Friday glanced up at James and grinned. James smiled feebly back.

     Hello, Mr Soccorso.
               Who is this?
     My name’s Friday Eiffle. I’m a friend of Cathy’s. I was at the wedding. I asked where you were but there was no answer.
               Friday Eiffle? How do you know Cathy?
     Research. I’m a writer. Cathy helped me wirg one of my novels.
               Wait, aren’t you a friend of that Mattinson.
     Through Cathy, yeah.
               Why have I never heard of you before?
     You probably have, you just don’t remember. Friday’s not one of those names you remember.
               Actually, I think it’s exactly one of those name’s I’d remember.
     I suppose. I’ve never really thought of it like that.
               Didn’t you ever realise it’s one of the most strange names in the world.
     Well, no. My parent’s wern’t very good with names. There was always a reason the name they picked was bad.
               Erm, Friday?
     Do you want to know what was weird about Cathy?
               What’s weird about my Cathy?
     Not your Cathy. About the name Cathy.
               Oh, well, actually…
     It means pure and it comes from Greece. But anyway, Cathy was my grandma’s cat’s name.
     And it would be weird now, wouldn’t it?
     Because my name would be Cathy and your daughter’s name would be Cathy too. We’d be having a conversation about the name Cathy and then we’d start talking about Cathy and we wouldn’t know where one conversation ended and the other began, would we?
               Well, that would be a bit confussing.
     Yeah, does Cathy like the name?
               Yeah, I suppose.
     Do you know what the name Freddy means?
               No, what does it mean?
     Don’t know. I know what the name James means though.
               Go on then.
     It means Supplanter.
     Supplanter. That means someone who illegally takes the land from someone else.
     That’s not very good, is it? I suppose it could meanhim taking Cathy from you.
               It could.
     Well, it depends how many times he wrongfully takes something. Because if its only once then it’s not Cathy because he already stole the music from Adam. He’s my other friend. He was in jail in some country no one’s heard of, but coming back soon.
     And he can’t have stolen Cathy, anyway, can he?
               Why not?
     Because they’ve been married for, like, two months now and Cathy’s still living with you and she’s not run off with James.
               I suppose.
               Is James with you now?
     Now, he ran off when I told you what supplanter means. I think he’s gone to be sick. He’s scared of you. He thinks you’re going to kill him.
               He should be so lucky. No, Friday, I’d like to meet him.
     That would be a good idea.
               Can I make an agreement with you?
               Tommorow, at half four, in Avon Cue, you know the place?
     Yeah. Am you paying or am I? It’s expensive.
               I’ll pay, don’t worry. I’ll bring Cathy. You bring James. I’ll bring no on else. Ok?
     Yeah, that’s cool.
               Friday… What’s your second name?
               Ok, Friday Eiffle. Tommorow at half four. Don’t be late.

Friday hung up the phone and smiled, satisfied with her work. Now there was only one other person she needed to sort out.


That Talky Laughy Random Fing Episode 4

To read That Talky Laughy Random Fing from the beginning, click here.

To read the last episode, click here.

THE STORY SO FAR: Howard Richy falls in love with the… Erm… fit Linda Maizen. James Mattinson has a throat condition, possibly caused by moaning too much, but… Linda turns out to be a cow and she storms out.

LEFTY: Linda had to, erm, go, which gives us more time to interview our next guest, Steven Maxon.
JAMES: That’s if I don’t die before he gets out.
HOWARD: Wouldn’t that be shame. I’m going to disappear, because Steven, you’re a clever man, right?
HOWARD: See, that just bores me.
JAMES: Don’t worry, we’re probably better off without him.
LEFTY: Steven, it’s absolutly amazing to have you on the show. I am a huge fan.
STEVEN: Thanks, I’m quite a big fan of you too.
LEFTY: You’re a genius. When did you realise you were a genius?
STEVEN: Well, it started off at school. Most kids had football or music or something. I had my little chemestry set. I was fasinated by how things worked. It was brilliant.
JAMES: So you never had music as a kid?
STEVEN: Well yeah, I had music, but it probably wasn’t the same thing you were listening too.
LEFTY: I dunno. James listened to some weird stuff.
STEVEN: I’ve heard what James listened to and it was nothing like that.
LEFTY: How did we start talking about music? Was science always what you wanted to do?
STEVEN: Yeah… well… yeah. I never thought I’d do science on TV or anything. I thought I’d be in a lab for months, staring at some dirt in a test tube, but I made my way onto TV.
LEFTY: So, how did that actually happen? I know less about this than I do about how to get a music contract. Please explain it to me.
STEVEN: I was doing research for a documentary on bacteria. It was a channel six thing and, I must admit, it wasn’t the most exciting thing in the world. The presenter was a pompus little git.
JAMES: He wouldn’t happen to be related to Linda Maizen, would he?
STEVEN: Well, me and my fellow researchers were, ok we were taking the mickey out of him at the time and the producers saw and…
LEFTY: They just hired you on the spot?
STEVEN: Yeah, well, no one liked this git anyway.
JAMES: I’m sorry, I’m just so intreged by your accent. Where are you from?
STEVEN: Well, I was born in Dumfries, where your friend Adam’s from.
JAMES: No wonder you never listen to good music. Adam can’t make good music either.
STEVEN: But then I moved down to London, so I suppose there’s cockney mixed in there too.
JAMES: It’s weird.
LEFTY: Ok, after the break, we’ll be talking some more with the genius that is Steven Maxom and discovering where exactly Howard Richard has gone to. See you in a minuet.

The claxon sounds just as Howard darts down the stairs.
“You’ll never guess who Steven replaced!” he cries, jumping over the last step, “Lee Martin.”
“Lee Martin,” James says thoughtfully, “Oh…”
James, Lefty and Howard all glance at each other, knowing they can’t talk about Lee. Before the situation becomes awkward, though, Madison bounced on stage, pulling James by the shoulder.
“You know Friday isn’t your personal slave,” she says, “Is that stupid water really this important?”
“Well, yeah,” James admits, “Could you tell her the third bottel’s in my bag if that’s what she’s looking for?”
“She’s not very impressed with you,” Madison says “What does she mean when she says she’s got too much on her plate.”
James glances nervously around, then sighs. For some reason, he knows Madison won’t fall for any of his well thought out lies.
“Ok, you know this Lee Martin bloke?” he says, “The one on the radio? Well, he’s trying to sue Friday. Apparently she stole one of his characters. It’s not true, of course, but he’s threatening to take it to the courts.”
“Oh, I never knew,” Madison whispers, “The poor little thing.”
“Well, she doesn’t want anyone to know so…” James says.
“James, your water,” Friday says, “Now don’t die.”
Before Friday can do anything else, Madison crushes her in a hug, trying to comfert the teenager by telling her that it’s going to be ok. Friday works it out immediatly. She pushes Madison away and glares at Howard.
“Was it you?” she snaps.
“Look how she thinks it’s me!” Howard cries, “Well, it wasn’t! It was James.”
She turns on James and he shrinks away. She opens her mouth to speak, but can’t put her anger into words, so storms out. Howard and Lefty watch her go. James shrugs and goes after her.
“What was that about?” Steven asks.

That Talky Laughy Random Fing Episode 3

To read That Talky Laughy Random Fing from the beginning, click here.

To read the last episode, click here.

THE STORY SO FAR: Howard Richy falls in love with the… Erm… fit Linda Maizen. James Mattinson has a throat condition, possibly caused by moaning too much, but… The talky laughy random fing hosts interview Linda and she turns out to be a… Well, a cow.

And we’re back in five… four… three… two… one…

HOWARD: And welcome back to the Talky Laughy Random Fing.
LEFTY: And we’re here with Linda Maizen!
JAMES: Who stole my water.
LINDA: Aw, James, you’re so adorable.
HOWARD: What are you on about, James?
JAMES: She stole my water.
LINDA: Oh, James, don’t be silly.
HOWARD: You stole his water? Wow! You’re in some deep trouble now.
JAMES: Too right! I have a serious throat condition and-
LEFTY: Lets take a look at one of Linda’s latest songs, shall we. Run the clip.

“What on earth are you lot playing at?” Lefty hisses, “We are live on air, and you pair are arguing with our guest about water?”
“It’s not just the water. It’s the principle of it.” James says, “Look, Linda, I was doing you a favour with this merge thing. Now, slagging off Friday is bad, but stealing a man’s water? I could die!”
“Wait, what’s this about Friday?” Lefty asks.
“She’s just a kid,” Linda says, “I don’t know what the big deal is.”
“The big deal is that ‘kid’ is more of a success in her short fifteen years than you ever will be,” Lefty says.
“She’s an ove advertised freak.” Linda says.
“Look, Linda, love,” Howard says, “I love you, baby, really, but I’m afraid if we can’t work this whole Friday thing out then we can’t be togther.”
“Oh, is that right?” Linda laughs.
Friday hurries down the stairs with James’ bottle of water. Before he can drink it, Linda snatches the bottle from him. Sh splashes it in Howard’s face, then pours the rest onto the floor, before marching off. Friday stares, unable to think of something to say. Madison hops on stage.
“What was all that about?” she asks.
“Whoever finds the guests for this show, I want them fired.” James says darkly. Madison laughs but, James is serious. “She’s an evil cow that woman.”
“We had another bad one last week, too.” Lefty adds.
“I’ll see what we can do,” Madison says, “In the mean time, can we try and keep this professional. This is a show, not a pub.”
“Yeah, you shouldn’t have brought it up, James.” Friday says coldly, “I’ve already got enough on my plate without some jumped up spoilt brat trying to ruin the show.”

LEFTY: Wow, that was… that was…
HOWARD: Something.
LEFTY: Yeah, that was something. James, what song was that?
JAMES: “Too bad for words”? Or “My voice is awful”? Niether one is very good.

That Talky Laughy Random Fing Episode 2

To read That Talky Laughy Random Fing from the beginning, click here.

LAST TIME: Howard Richy bigs up Producer Friday’s award. Howard Richy falls in love with the… Erm… fit Linda Maizen. James Mattinson has a throat condition, possibly caused by moaning too much, but…

And we’re back in 5… 4… 3… 2… 1…

HOWARD: Welcome back to That Talky Laughy Random Fing. Today we are here with the beautiful, amazing, gorgous, wonderful…
LEFTY: Howard!
HOWARD: It’s Linda Maizen!
HOWARD: Thanks for coming.
JAMES: Thanks for not drinking my water.
LINDA: You’re welcome, I think.
HOWARD: Ok, I’m going to dive straight in with some questions. What’s your phone number?
LINDA: laughing You’re so funny.
HOWARD: No, I wasn’t kidding. Linda, you are beautiful and I want to make beautiful love to you.
LEFTY: We did warn you.
HOWARD: So, you’re a singer, right? Did nobody tell you that you were beautiful when you started out?
LINDA: I have been told once or twice.
HOWARD: You started out on YouTube, right?
LINDA: Yeah.
HOWARD: Oh, wow. That’s another thing we have in common. Because I was found on the internet too.
LINDA: Really?
LEFTY: Really?
HOWARD: Yeah! I made some of the best porn movies on the web. It’s the only way James gets through every day… Wait! I’m not allowed to say that! That’s not true. Well, it might be, but I have no evidence that it is true.
LINDA: Why aren’t you allowed to say that?
HOWARD: Oh, James is on some break from relationships or something like that.
JAMES: No, it’s just from girls.
HOWARD: So, you wouldn’t mind if me and you had a quick… You know, later.
JAMES: No, Howard, I am not going to fill your sex needs, Howard.
LEFTY: Anyway, getting back to Linda. You started off on YouTube and then what? Did, like, Justin Timberlake offer you a recording contract or what? Sorry, I’ve no idea how this works.
JAMES: Clearly.
LINDA: No, what happened was a recording company spotted me on YouTube and suggeste that I made an album. They didn’t offer me a contract or anything, but they said I would be good. I had to pay, or more Daddy had to pay for the first album.
LEFTY: But you more than made your money back. It’s a best seller now, isn’t it?
LINDA: With a littl endorsement, yeah.
JAMES: You’re welcome.
HOWARD: Was it your mum or your dad?
LINDA: What?
HOWARD: Which one was the model? Or were they both models? They had to be to make something that looks as good as you.
LINDA: Aw, thank you.
LEFTY: Don’t be fooled. He’s not really this sweet in real life.
LINDA: Actually, my mum was a model. I thought I was going to go down the same career path, until I discovered I could sing.
HOWARD: Do you have any model photos or something?
HOWARD: Can I have them?
LEFTY: Are you sure you’re ok with this? Because we can lock him up or something if you feel unsafe…
LINDA: No, it’s fine.
HOWARD: Because you are very sexy, Linda. Are you doing any sexy moves in your performance later? Because I wouldn’t mind watching that.
LINDA: What? With James?
HOWARD: With James?
LINDA: Yeah, we’re doing a collaberation thing. My lyrics, his music.
HOWARD: Well, that’s just ruined it.
LEFTY: Well, we’ll be continuing this meaningful discussion right after the break.

The claxon sounds. Friday hurries down the stairs with a polystyrene cup of water which she hands to Linda. Linda snatches the cup and gulps down the water.
“This is disgusting,” Linda snaps, “It tastes as if you fished it out of a toilet.”
“Hey, you can’t talk to her like that,” James calls from across the stage, marching over, “That’s Friday Eiffle.”
“I don’t care if it’s the Queen,” Linda says, snatching the bottle from James. He goes to grab it but she takes it out of his reach. “To me, you’re just a little kid with a stupid name who can’t get the right kind of water.” She takes a sip from the bottle and smiles. “This is actually quite nice. Where do you get this from?”
“Germany.” James says weakly, “Can I have it back?”
“Leave it James.” Friday says, “I’ll get your other one There’s more coming tommorow, ain’t there?”
On the other side of the stage, Howard and Lefty are sat. Lefty is trying to distract Howard from Linda, but it’s not working, until Howard remembers he had some questions he had to ask.
“Why’s there so much stuff I can’t talk about?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, James and his relationship thing,” Howard began, but Lefty starts to explain before he’s finished.
“That’s just James being stupid,” he says, “That’s not that much, is it, Howard? I’m sure you can cope with that much, can’t you?”
“But what about Friday and that Lee bloke?” Howard asks.
“Shh…” Lefty hisses, “How did you find out about that?”
“James told me,” Howard says simply, “He said I.couldn’t tell anyone.”
“Well you can’t. And you can’t let Friday know you know. She’s got some plan or something, but you can’t say anything. Howard, this is important.”
“Yeah, fine, whatever.”

That Talky Laughy Random Fing : Episode 1

Hello, and welcome to That Talky Laughy Random Fing, the Friday night show with a big difference. Some mega-magic genius decided to mangle together fine pop culture, pure comedy and, a more questionable feature, Howard Richy, to crash your television sets every week. Introducing your hosts: it’s the biggest comedy star the world has ever seen, Mr Lefty Nightingale. And to the right is music legend and general genius, it’s James Mattinson. And, of course, the man only he’s been waiting for, the one and only, Howard Richy!

STUDIO AUDIENCE CONTROL: Applause! Not that it’s needed.
HOWARD: Oh, God I missed this.
LEFTY: Missed… Howard? Howard, it’s only been a week.
HOWARD: Yeah, but what a week. Hey, hey! Who saw those film award things on Wednesday? Come on! Hands up, who saw them?
LEFTY: Were you looking for more of a response than three, Howard?
JAMES: Oh! Oh! I know what one you’re on about! I saw that.
LEFTY: What are you on about, James? You were there, weren’t you?
HOWARD: He was. And so was our very own Friday Eiffle. Yeah. I know. We got talent besides me on this show. Give a round of applause to our producer, Friday. How much did Friday win on Wednesday, James?
JAMES: Well, it wasn’t just Friday – it was her work. She had two films nominated for about three awards each.
HOWARD: Come on, James, and answer the question.
JAMES: I was on stage with her five times altogether.
LEFTY: I actually think that’s the longest time we’ve spent not talking about Howard.
HOWARD: Yeah, we should get back to me now. So, I actually missed that. I’m sorry, Friday, but you know how I feel about watching James on TV. Elseware in my magic, amazing life, guess who I saw, or at least how many of them I saw.
LEFTY: So, that’s why it’s been a long week…
HOWARD: There were a lot of them. A lot.
JAMES: Ok, so can we stop talking about Howard’s rather overly stretched night life. We have a show.
HOWARD: Tell them what we’ve got today, my minions, whilst I go get my chocolate.
JAMES: Howard? Howard, we’re not…
LEFTY: Let him go. We’re safer without him. Ok, tonight, freakishly lonely people who watch this show-
JAMES: And my mum.
LEFTY: And his mum. And all the normal people who watch this show, tonight we have on the show emerging new star Linda Maizen, who will be merging her new music with James’ music at the end of the show.
JAMES: Linda’s in our green room right now. Linda? You ok? Howard hasn’t eaten your face has he?
LINDA: I’m fine, James. Thanks for caring.
LEFTY: Are you looking forward to your interview with the one and only Howard Richy?
LINDA: I’m looking… Ok…
JAMES: Also on the show tonight we have science genius Steven Maxom, who will be answering some questions tonight.
LEFTY: Most of which will be asked by me as I am the only one with a brain.
JAMES: And finally, we’ll be talking to the journalism gem who has taken the internet by storm with his opinions.
LEFTY: Ok, we’re going on a quick break, see you in a minuet.

The claxon sounds and the paid studio audience leave to use the rest rooms. Howard, accompanied by Friday Eiffle, the fifteen year old producer of the show, hurry down the steps, grinning. Friday bouces across the stage to James, snatching his water from him and taking a sip.
“No, no Friday, you can’t,” he snatches the water away from Friday before she can drink too much, “I have a throat condition. You know that! That water is the only thing that sooths it. It’s imported all the way from Germany! There are only three bottles in this country!”
Friday frowns, wipes a drop from her chin and leaves James to his bottled water.
“Howard, you didn’t have to shout out the awards,” she says, “It was a little awkward to sit through.”
“I’ve got to, Friday, you’re amazing!” Howard cries, “James, tell the prodigy to stop being so modest.”
“Hey, maybe Friday, you can get the show an award some time,” Lefty says, trying to sneak a sip of James’ water.
Madison, the show’s director, hops onto the stage with Linda from the green room. Linda catches Howard’s eye immediatly and her uncovered flesh and slender build holds it. Had Lefty not been married and James not been on a ‘break from relationships’, they would probably have been in a similar state as Howard.
“Hi,” Linda says with a little wave to the boys.
Whilst Madison is explaining a few last minuet details to Linda, Howard dives across the stage to Friday.
“You never told me she was fit,” he hisses.
“She’s a singer,” Friday replies, “I thought that was a requirement of singers.”
“Ha, not James,” Lefty laughs.
“I’m not a singer,” James insists as Madison hops off stage, “I’m a musician.”
“Erm, excuse me,” Linda says sweetly, “Could I get a little water, please? There was a water cooler in the green room, but no cups.”
“Of course!” Howard cries, grabbing James’ water and offering it to Linda. Before she can drink any, James grabs the bottle from her.
Howard,” he snaps, “Imported water. Throat condition. Howard!”
“I’ll get you some water,” Friday offers, disappearing back stage.