Monthly Archives: August 2012

That Talky Laughy Random Fing Episode 8

To read That Talky Laughy Random Fing from the beginning, click here.

To read the last episode, click here.

THE STORY SO FAR: Howard Richy falls in love with the… Erm… fit Linda Maizen. James Mattinson has a throat condition, possibly caused by moaning too much, but… Linda turns out to be a cow and she storms out. James lets slip about Friday’s upcoming court case with Lee Martin. The ever so brilliant Adam Witz is on his way home, which is vital to Friday’s plan. Howard let’s slip about James’ marriage to Cathy Soccorso.

FRIDAY EIFFLE          CALLING          CATHY SOCCORSO
               Hello?
     Hi, Cathy. It’s Friday.
               Friday? Erm… I’m not actually supposed to be talking to you.
     Yeah, but you are.
               Friday… look…
     Cathy, I’m guessing your dad heard about James then.
               Heard? Friday, that guy annpunced it on live television. It’s all over the news.
     Yeah, that wasn’t James’ fault. A lots going on at the moment. And Howard’s a nightmare as it is.
               How did he even find out?
     I dunno. Howard has his ways. Cathy is your dad there?
               Friday, I don’t think…
     Oh, come on Cathy. I can’t make it any worse.
               Well, you can.
     Please, Cathy. I promise I will do my amazing bestest to be amazing.
               Friday…
     Please.
               Fine, Friday but be carefull…
     I will

Friday glanced up at James and grinned. James smiled feebly back.

               Hello?
     Hello, Mr Soccorso.
               Who is this?
     My name’s Friday Eiffle. I’m a friend of Cathy’s. I was at the wedding. I asked where you were but there was no answer.
               Friday Eiffle? How do you know Cathy?
     Research. I’m a writer. Cathy helped me wirg one of my novels.
               Wait, aren’t you a friend of that Mattinson.
     Through Cathy, yeah.
               Why have I never heard of you before?
     You probably have, you just don’t remember. Friday’s not one of those names you remember.
               Actually, I think it’s exactly one of those name’s I’d remember.
     I suppose. I’ve never really thought of it like that.
               Didn’t you ever realise it’s one of the most strange names in the world.
     Well, no. My parent’s wern’t very good with names. There was always a reason the name they picked was bad.
               Erm, Friday?
     Do you want to know what was weird about Cathy?
               What’s weird about my Cathy?
     Not your Cathy. About the name Cathy.
               Oh, well, actually…
     It means pure and it comes from Greece. But anyway, Cathy was my grandma’s cat’s name.
               Ok.
     And it would be weird now, wouldn’t it?
               Why?
     Because my name would be Cathy and your daughter’s name would be Cathy too. We’d be having a conversation about the name Cathy and then we’d start talking about Cathy and we wouldn’t know where one conversation ended and the other began, would we?
               Well, that would be a bit confussing.
     Yeah, does Cathy like the name?
               Yeah, I suppose.
     Do you know what the name Freddy means?
               No, what does it mean?
     Don’t know. I know what the name James means though.
               Go on then.
     It means Supplanter.
               What?
     Supplanter. That means someone who illegally takes the land from someone else.
               Oh.
     That’s not very good, is it? I suppose it could meanhim taking Cathy from you.
               It could.
     Well, it depends how many times he wrongfully takes something. Because if its only once then it’s not Cathy because he already stole the music from Adam. He’s my other friend. He was in jail in some country no one’s heard of, but coming back soon.
               Oh.
     And he can’t have stolen Cathy, anyway, can he?
               Why not?
     Because they’ve been married for, like, two months now and Cathy’s still living with you and she’s not run off with James.
               I suppose.
     Yeah.
               Is James with you now?
     Now, he ran off when I told you what supplanter means. I think he’s gone to be sick. He’s scared of you. He thinks you’re going to kill him.
               He should be so lucky. No, Friday, I’d like to meet him.
     That would be a good idea.
               Can I make an agreement with you?
     Yeah.
               Tommorow, at half four, in Avon Cue, you know the place?
     Yeah. Am you paying or am I? It’s expensive.
               I’ll pay, don’t worry. I’ll bring Cathy. You bring James. I’ll bring no on else. Ok?
     Yeah, that’s cool.
               Friday… What’s your second name?
     Eiffle.
               Ok, Friday Eiffle. Tommorow at half four. Don’t be late.
     Bye.

Friday hung up the phone and smiled, satisfied with her work. Now there was only one other person she needed to sort out.

That Talky Laughy Random Fing Episode 7

To read That Talky Laughy Random Fing from the beginning, click here.

To read the last episode, click here.

THE STORY SO FAR: Howard Richy falls in love with the… Erm… fit Linda Maizen. James Mattinson has a throat condition, possibly caused by moaning too much, but… Linda turns out to be a cow and she storms out. James lets slip about Friday’s upcoming court case with Lee Martin and she also storms out, so James kindly takes her to the chip shop. The ever so brilliant Adam Witz is on his way home, which is vital to Friday’s plan…

That’s Today is a lunchtime TV show run on the same channel as That Talky Laughy Random Fing. It discusses topics of the day, the newspapers and invites celebraties on to talk about their latest work.
James was invited on, mainly because there was no one else. His slot was prime time, right after the woman who’s boobs wouldn’t stop growing and righ before the viewer competition winner was announced.

LILAC: And now we go to our celebrity guest, it’s Mr James Mattinson!
DOMINIC: Good afternoon, James.
JAMES: Hello.
LILAC: Do legends like yourself normally say hello?
DOMINIC: Ignore her. She’s a bit star struck.
LILAC: Too right. You’re absolutly amazing, although Dom don’t think so.
DOMINIC: I mean, you do everything, don’t you? Music, film, TV. That’s a bit arragent, ain’t it?
LILAC: And real life drama too!
DOMINIC: Yeah, you could have done it a bit more tastefully than letting Howard Richy announce it on TV.
LILAC: You made a lot of young girls sad last night, James.
DOMINIC: At least this one anyway.
LILAC: Cathy Soccorso is one lucky girl. Well, I suppose it’s Cathy Mattinson now, isn’t it?
DOMINIC: I dunno. I think I’d take Soccorso if I were you, mate. I would want to be in your shoes. For any viewers who don’t know, Cathy is the daughter of Freddy Soccorso, that gangster bloke.
LILAC: Ex, Dom, remember. We don’t want any trouble with Mr Soccorso.
DOMINIC: Well, he’s Mr Soccorso now.
LILAC: Who?
DOMINIC: James. And, no offence, mate, but you don’t scare me.
LILAC: Didn’t she take your name?
JAMES: I’m sorry. What, exactly, are you talking about?
LILAC: Well, you and Cathy! Howard announced that you were married on the show last night.
DOMINIC: You did a good job keeping that one quiet, didn’t you? Although, I suppose Freddy Soccorso helped, didn’t he? I mean, he don’t want any paparatzi, does he?
LILAC: That must have been scary, James. When exactly did you find out Freddy Soccorso was her dad.
DOMINIC: Scary? Poor man looks like he’s still mortified. Guessing you had all the usual threats, then?
LILAC: Worse. I’m guessing there’s no chance of an affair then?
DOMINIC: Are you ok?
LILAC: James?
JAMES: I’m… I’m fine.
DOMINIC: So, is there any chance of a family in the future?
JAMES: Not right away.
LILAC: But if you did, would little Friday be a god parent?
JAMES: Well, it would be a possibility.
LILAC: And Adam?
JAMES: No, not Adam.
DOMINIC: How is Friday!
JAMES: She’s amazing. She’s doing… She’s doing great.
LILAC: Is it true you have a new movie coming out?
JAMES: That’s kind of true. It’s Friday’s new project. I think she said it was an experiment. She never told us the findings of it, though. Some bits were scripted, but sometimes there was sn image or an object to centre the scene around.
DOMINIC: So who’s in it?
JAMES: Well, there’s me, and Friday forced Adam into it, too. And then there’s some people who have aready worked with Friday like Robert Cings and Soapy Summers.
LILAC: Well, there you go. A glimpse into the future.
DOMINIC: Ok, we’re going to announce the winner of this month’s competition for, wait for it, fifty thousand pounds!
LILAC: Would you mind drawing the name, James?
JAMES: I suppose I must… ok, here we go. Oh God, I’m not gonna be able to pronounce this now. Ok, it’s Will – I’m so sorry – Carra… Corra… Kayrronico from London. Will Kayrronico from London

“James!” Friday hissed from behind the cameras as soon as they cut to adverts, “James, guess what!”
“Howard told the world about Cathy last night!” James cried, scurrying over, “I think I’m gonna be sick.”
Friday stared at James, unable to speak. He was a dead man walking, and there was nothing he could do about it.
“Ok, ok,” Friday said eventually, “I’m going to phone Cathy, ok? You just stay hete. I’m going to sort it, ok, James?”
James managed to nod, coughed a few times, then sat down.
“Howard’s got a lot of answering to do,” Friday mumbled, “I’m just hoping he hasn’t said anything else.”

That Talky Laughy Random Fing Episode 6

To read That Talky Laughy Random Fing from the beginning, click here.

To read the last episode, click here.

THE STORY SO FAR: Howard Richy falls in love with the… Erm… fit Linda Maizen. James Mattinson has a throat condition, possibly caused by moaning too much, but… Linda turns out to be a cow and she storms out. James lets slip about Friday’s upcoming court case with Lee Martin and she also storms out, so James kindly takes her to the chip shop…

FRIDAY EIFFLE – 1.2
It hit me as soon as I opened the door. His annoying, arrogent, cocky tones could not be mistaken as anything else. I almost smiled. Smiled! Can you believe it! I couldn’t deny he was funny, though. If I did then I was admitting I’d wasted a year of my life on the audio-high that was Lee Martin, which was true.
James hadn’t noticed and was already talking to Mr Kay, the owner, about the week. I tried to distract myself. There was a TV on the wall playing football reruns. I tried to work out what the teams were. Red. That was United. Or Liverpool? Yellow. Who played in yellow?
I couldn’t push the sound of his voice out of my head. The radio was on the counter. I could easily switch it off.
Mr Kay was looking at me now, talking to me, but I couldn’t hear him over Mr Martin. It wasn’t loud, but his voice echoed in my head.
I had to say something.
“Five awards.” I said, forcing a grin.
The radio show jingle came on and James finally heard it.
“Oh, Friday, I didn’t know.” he said.
I was ok, now. The adverts were on and I knew from hours of concentrated listening that they would be on for a while.
“It’s fine,” I insisted, “Good evening, Mr Kay.”
“Good evening, Friday,” Mr Kay said slowly, “Are you ok?”
“Couldn’t be better.” I smiled, “How’s Will?”
“He’s great,” Mr Kay said, nodding towards the radio, “Got his diploma in radio engineering, but Lee’s keeping him in his place.”
I smiled. It wasn’t forced. “I bet he is.”
Will, Mr Kay’s son and Mr Martin’s co-host was forever under Mr Martin’s torment. What was I supposed to do? Claim I hadn’t enjoyed it? I wouldn’t lie.
“Anyway, usual, please.” James said quickly, “We’re not actually supposed to be here. The show’s on air now.”
“But we needed chips.” I added.
Mr Kay grinned and winked at me. I laughed.

***

Adam Witz (@adam81witz) has sent you a direct message on Twitter?
“Guess what! I’m back home 11 tommorow night! That’s if the plane isn’t delayed, or taken over by terrorists. Knowing my luck it will be!”
Reply?

@FridayEiffle: Really? Don’t joke about those things.
@adam81witz: I wasn’t. These things always happen to me. Hey, don’t tell anyone. I don’t want any press.
@FridayEiffle: Like you get press anyway. Can I tell James?
@adam81witz: Believe me. The press is gonna want this story. Yeah, you can tell Mattinson. But make him promise not to tell anyone.
@FridayEiffle: I need to talk to you when you get back. So don’t go picking any fights with terrorists, ok?