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LAST TIME: Howard Richy bigs up Producer Friday’s award. Howard Richy falls in love with the… Erm… fit Linda Maizen. James Mattinson has a throat condition, possibly caused by moaning too much, but…
And we’re back in 5… 4… 3… 2… 1…
HOWARD: Welcome back to That Talky Laughy Random Fing. Today we are here with the beautiful, amazing, gorgous, wonderful…
HOWARD: It’s Linda Maizen!
STUDIO AUDIENCE CONTROL: Clap! Louder!
HOWARD: Thanks for coming.
JAMES: Thanks for not drinking my water.
LINDA: You’re welcome, I think.
HOWARD: Ok, I’m going to dive straight in with some questions. What’s your phone number?
LINDA: laughing You’re so funny.
HOWARD: No, I wasn’t kidding. Linda, you are beautiful and I want to make beautiful love to you.
LEFTY: We did warn you.
HOWARD: So, you’re a singer, right? Did nobody tell you that you were beautiful when you started out?
LINDA: I have been told once or twice.
HOWARD: You started out on YouTube, right?
HOWARD: Oh, wow. That’s another thing we have in common. Because I was found on the internet too.
HOWARD: Yeah! I made some of the best porn movies on the web. It’s the only way James gets through every day… Wait! I’m not allowed to say that! That’s not true. Well, it might be, but I have no evidence that it is true.
LINDA: Why aren’t you allowed to say that?
HOWARD: Oh, James is on some break from relationships or something like that.
JAMES: No, it’s just from girls.
HOWARD: So, you wouldn’t mind if me and you had a quick… You know, later.
JAMES: No, Howard, I am not going to fill your sex needs, Howard.
LEFTY: Anyway, getting back to Linda. You started off on YouTube and then what? Did, like, Justin Timberlake offer you a recording contract or what? Sorry, I’ve no idea how this works.
LINDA: No, what happened was a recording company spotted me on YouTube and suggeste that I made an album. They didn’t offer me a contract or anything, but they said I would be good. I had to pay, or more Daddy had to pay for the first album.
LEFTY: But you more than made your money back. It’s a best seller now, isn’t it?
LINDA: With a littl endorsement, yeah.
JAMES: You’re welcome.
HOWARD: Was it your mum or your dad?
HOWARD: Which one was the model? Or were they both models? They had to be to make something that looks as good as you.
LINDA: Aw, thank you.
LEFTY: Don’t be fooled. He’s not really this sweet in real life.
LINDA: Actually, my mum was a model. I thought I was going to go down the same career path, until I discovered I could sing.
HOWARD: Do you have any model photos or something?
HOWARD: Can I have them?
LEFTY: Are you sure you’re ok with this? Because we can lock him up or something if you feel unsafe…
LINDA: No, it’s fine.
HOWARD: Because you are very sexy, Linda. Are you doing any sexy moves in your performance later? Because I wouldn’t mind watching that.
LINDA: What? With James?
HOWARD: With James?
LINDA: Yeah, we’re doing a collaberation thing. My lyrics, his music.
HOWARD: Well, that’s just ruined it.
LEFTY: Well, we’ll be continuing this meaningful discussion right after the break.
The claxon sounds. Friday hurries down the stairs with a polystyrene cup of water which she hands to Linda. Linda snatches the cup and gulps down the water.
“This is disgusting,” Linda snaps, “It tastes as if you fished it out of a toilet.”
“Hey, you can’t talk to her like that,” James calls from across the stage, marching over, “That’s Friday Eiffle.”
“I don’t care if it’s the Queen,” Linda says, snatching the bottle from James. He goes to grab it but she takes it out of his reach. “To me, you’re just a little kid with a stupid name who can’t get the right kind of water.” She takes a sip from the bottle and smiles. “This is actually quite nice. Where do you get this from?”
“Germany.” James says weakly, “Can I have it back?”
“Leave it James.” Friday says, “I’ll get your other one for.you. There’s more coming tommorow, ain’t there?”
On the other side of the stage, Howard and Lefty are sat. Lefty is trying to distract Howard from Linda, but it’s not working, until Howard remembers he had some questions he had to ask.
“Why’s there so much stuff I can’t talk about?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, James and his relationship thing,” Howard began, but Lefty starts to explain before he’s finished.
“That’s just James being stupid,” he says, “That’s not that much, is it, Howard? I’m sure you can cope with that much, can’t you?”
“But what about Friday and that Lee bloke?” Howard asks.
“Shh…” Lefty hisses, “How did you find out about that?”
“James told me,” Howard says simply, “He said I.couldn’t tell anyone.”
“Well you can’t. And you can’t let Friday know you know. She’s got some plan or something, but you can’t say anything. Howard, this is important.”
“Yeah, fine, whatever.”