Hello, and welcome to That Talky Laughy Random Fing, the Friday night show with a big difference. Some mega-magic genius decided to mangle together fine pop culture, pure comedy and, a more questionable feature, Howard Richy, to crash your television sets every week. Introducing your hosts: it’s the biggest comedy star the world has ever seen, Mr Lefty Nightingale. And to the right is music legend and general genius, it’s James Mattinson. And, of course, the man only he’s been waiting for, the one and only, Howard Richy!
STUDIO AUDIENCE CONTROL: Applause! Not that it’s needed.
HOWARD: Oh, God I missed this.
LEFTY: Missed… Howard? Howard, it’s only been a week.
HOWARD: Yeah, but what a week. Hey, hey! Who saw those film award things on Wednesday? Come on! Hands up, who saw them?
LEFTY: Were you looking for more of a response than three, Howard?
JAMES: Oh! Oh! I know what one you’re on about! I saw that.
LEFTY: What are you on about, James? You were there, weren’t you?
HOWARD: He was. And so was our very own Friday Eiffle. Yeah. I know. We got talent besides me on this show. Give a round of applause to our producer, Friday. How much did Friday win on Wednesday, James?
JAMES: Well, it wasn’t just Friday – it was her work. She had two films nominated for about three awards each.
HOWARD: Come on, James, and answer the question.
JAMES: I was on stage with her five times altogether.
LEFTY: I actually think that’s the longest time we’ve spent not talking about Howard.
HOWARD: Yeah, we should get back to me now. So, I actually missed that. I’m sorry, Friday, but you know how I feel about watching James on TV. Elseware in my magic, amazing life, guess who I saw, or at least how many of them I saw.
LEFTY: So, that’s why it’s been a long week…
HOWARD: There were a lot of them. A lot.
JAMES: Ok, so can we stop talking about Howard’s rather overly stretched night life. We have a show.
HOWARD: Tell them what we’ve got today, my minions, whilst I go get my chocolate.
JAMES: Howard? Howard, we’re not…
LEFTY: Let him go. We’re safer without him. Ok, tonight, freakishly lonely people who watch this show-
JAMES: And my mum.
LEFTY: And his mum. And all the normal people who watch this show, tonight we have on the show emerging new star Linda Maizen, who will be merging her new music with James’ music at the end of the show.
JAMES: Linda’s in our green room right now. Linda? You ok? Howard hasn’t eaten your face has he?
LINDA: I’m fine, James. Thanks for caring.
LEFTY: Are you looking forward to your interview with the one and only Howard Richy?
LINDA: I’m looking… Ok…
JAMES: Also on the show tonight we have science genius Steven Maxom, who will be answering some questions tonight.
LEFTY: Most of which will be asked by me as I am the only one with a brain.
JAMES: And finally, we’ll be talking to the journalism gem who has taken the internet by storm with his opinions.
LEFTY: Ok, we’re going on a quick break, see you in a minuet.
The claxon sounds and the paid studio audience leave to use the rest rooms. Howard, accompanied by Friday Eiffle, the fifteen year old producer of the show, hurry down the steps, grinning. Friday bouces across the stage to James, snatching his water from him and taking a sip.
“No, no Friday, you can’t,” he snatches the water away from Friday before she can drink too much, “I have a throat condition. You know that! That water is the only thing that sooths it. It’s imported all the way from Germany! There are only three bottles in this country!”
Friday frowns, wipes a drop from her chin and leaves James to his bottled water.
“Howard, you didn’t have to shout out the awards,” she says, “It was a little awkward to sit through.”
“I’ve got to, Friday, you’re amazing!” Howard cries, “James, tell the prodigy to stop being so modest.”
“Hey, maybe Friday, you can get the show an award some time,” Lefty says, trying to sneak a sip of James’ water.
Madison, the show’s director, hops onto the stage with Linda from the green room. Linda catches Howard’s eye immediatly and her uncovered flesh and slender build holds it. Had Lefty not been married and James not been on a ‘break from relationships’, they would probably have been in a similar state as Howard.
“Hi,” Linda says with a little wave to the boys.
Whilst Madison is explaining a few last minuet details to Linda, Howard dives across the stage to Friday.
“You never told me she was fit,” he hisses.
“She’s a singer,” Friday replies, “I thought that was a requirement of singers.”
“Ha, not James,” Lefty laughs.
“I’m not a singer,” James insists as Madison hops off stage, “I’m a musician.”
“Erm, excuse me,” Linda says sweetly, “Could I get a little water, please? There was a water cooler in the green room, but no cups.”
“Of course!” Howard cries, grabbing James’ water and offering it to Linda. Before she can drink any, James grabs the bottle from her.
“Howard,” he snaps, “Imported water. Throat condition. Howard!”
“I’ll get you some water,” Friday offers, disappearing back stage.